Workplace Humor

Top Ten Ways to Get Fired

Don’t try this at work 😉

10. Day one: Start an official sounding rumor about your boss being
    considered for a big promotion.  Day two: Spread a rumor that the
    promotion involves your boss heading up a new facility in Bosnia.
 9. Whenever a co-worker asks if you want coffee, say, "No thanks, it
    doesn't mix well with thorazine."

 8. Attach 10 or so bottles of white-out to the inside of your suit jacket.
    Every time you pass a co-worker, surreptitiously open your jacket and
    whisper, 'I got white-out here; three bucks a pop; good quality stuff;
    who needs white-out?'

 7. Bring several large mason jars to work and fill them part way with water
    and yellow food coloring; display them conspicuously around your work
    space.  Tell anyone who asks about them that you are just taking part in
    an efficiency study that your boss came up with to cut down on the time
    employees spend away from their desks.

 6. Tell your boss that you intend to spread out your vacation time by
    taking off one minute out of every 25.  Spend all your time 'planning'
    your vacations.

 5. Secretly replace the coffee your boss usually drinks with new Folger's

 4. Keep a tally of what your boss wears on 'casual' Friday.  When you see a
    pattern develop, distribute the tally to co-workers and start a weekly

 3. Dress like a pirate for the office halloween party.  Dress like a pirate
    every other day of the year as well.

 2. Sign up your boss as a volunteer for Junior Achievement, Save The
    Children Foundation, Keep America Beautiful, the local branch of the
    Seventh Day Adventist Church, UNICEF, Hands Across America, Points of
    Light Foundation, and the kicker, AARP.

 1. Set everyone's desk and PC clock ahead one hour and go home early.

Letter of Recommendation

While working with Mr. Murthy, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He will always be
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chit-chatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Murthy should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be
sent out as soon as possible.

Branch Manager

Branch Manager

The Top 15 Signs Your Co-Worker’s Jewish Holiday Wasn’t Strictly Observed

15> Telltale mouse ears on his new “yarmulke.”

14> Sun worshipping appears to be the only thing accomplished
that was even remotely religious.

13> Thinks that the Torah is something you wear to a frat party.

12> Comes back wearing a “Club Med: The Sea may be Dead, but not
the night-life!” T-shirt.

11> You happen to know there are no High Holy Day services at
Santa Anita Racetrack.

10> Kareem in Accounting keeps calling it “Yom Shakur.”

9> As far as you know, circumcisions don’t “grow back.”

8> Doesn’t know the difference between Hebrew and Home-brew.

7> She’s complaining that Kathie Lee isn’t really on all
Carnival Cruises.

6> Claims he was observing “Chaka Khan.”

5> Menorah on his desk displays three sleeves worth of golf balls.

4> Thinks “Rosh Hashanah” is a song by The Knack.

3> His yarmulke has two cans of beer and a drinking straw.

2> “And if the rabbi sees his shadow when he comes out of the
temple, there’ll be four more months of summer.”

and the Number 1 Sign Your Co-Worker’s
Jewish Holiday Wasn’t Strictly Observed…

1> Took off all of *last* month for Ramadan.

[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]

The Top 11 Entries in Bill Gates’s Diary

11. Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome.

10. Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn’t do windows — yet.

9. The baby cries constantly. Maybe I’ll buy Fisher-Price.

8. Bought my first Macintosh. It’s sooooo cute!

7. Good day. Found over 15 bucks’ worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters.

6. Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole.

5. Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes!

4. Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!

3. Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes.

2. Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars.

and the Number 1 Entry in Bill Gates’s Diary…

1. Seventh day: rested.

Instructions For Microsoft’s New TV Dinner Product

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to
accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give
anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an
infringement of Microsoft’s rights). You may, however, let others
smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good
it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set
the oven using these keystrokes: <<\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//
Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven
will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of
the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and
the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate
the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your
oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner
from the oven and enter <<ms.good/tryagain\again/again.please. This
process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and
then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn’t work, contact your hardware

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger
than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of
which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too
large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,
call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don’t want
another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of
their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger
family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be
saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after ’98. However,
that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get
thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the
freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not
a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

You know you’re drinking too much coffee when…

  • Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
  • You ski uphill.
  • You speed walk in your sleep.
  • You answer the door before people knock.
  • You sleep with your eyes open.
  • You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.
  • You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  • You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
  • The only time you’re standing still is in an earthquake.
  • You lick your coffeepot clean.
  • Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  • The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  • Your T-shirt says, “Decaf is the devil’s coffee.”
  • You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
  • All your kids are named “Joe.”
  • You don’t need a hammer to pound nails.
  • Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet and Low.”
  • You don’t sweat, you percolate.
  • You’ve worn out the handles on your favorite mug.
  • You’ve built a miniature city out of plastic stirrers.
  • People get dizzy just watching you.
  • People can test their batteries in your ears.
  • When someone asks you,” How are you?”, you say,” Good to the last drop.”
  • Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
  • You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
  • You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
  • You speak perfect Arabic without even taking a lesson.
  • Your Thermos is on wheels.
  • You can outlast the Energizer Bunny.
  • You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  • You think being called a drip is a compliment.
  • You don’t tan, you roast.
  • You don’t get mad, you get steamed.
  • You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
  • Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
  • You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”